


awakening

by springsoldier (ladydaredevil)



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alma lives, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Other, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:16:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8174650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladydaredevil/pseuds/springsoldier
Summary: Surviving, Kanda and Alma learn, has consequences. Not all of them are bad.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Not sure what to do with myself now that Hallow's done, so I wrote a thing.  
> Also I'm sticking with gender-neutral pronouns for Alma because nothing else feels right to me.

Alma’s walking backwards to face him, chattering about something or other – Kanda’s only half-listening, distracted by the way their hair looks in the sun – when they pass out mid-sentence.

Kanda has to scramble a little to catch them before they hit the ground. He tries to ignore the sudden pounding in his chest as he hoists them up into his arms, because this sort of thing happens so often that he should really be used to it, but he never can help the fear that this time Alma's eyes won't open again. 

He doesn't have to wait long, though. They’re already stirring back into consciousness, frowning.

“ _Again?”_

“You’re like a character in one of those trashy novels Lenalee likes,” Kanda complains, so relieved that he’s annoyed with himself. “Always swooning and shit.”

He doesn’t know what caused it this time. Dehydration? The midday sun? Exhaustion because they’ve been walking for a few hours?

Alma looks pale, but tries to laugh it off.

“Sorry I keep worrying you like that.”

“I’m not _worried_.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Can you walk?”

“Maybe?”

A few faltering attempts later they have to admit defeat, despite the food and water Kanda practically had to force into them. He sighs and picks them up again, ignoring the protests.

“Yuu! Put me down, you’re wasting your energy!”

It would’ve been a ridiculous claim to make, before. But they both know that supporting Alma’s weight is a lot more of a strain on his body than he’d like, or could ever have imagined being.

Still, nothing will stop him from doing it while he can.

“Shut up, it’s _fine._ ”

Alma stops struggling to pout up at him and Kanda scowls at them for a moment. They’ve had this argument what feels like a thousand times already, and will probably have it until they kick the bucket for real.

It’s still hard to believe that they hadn’t died back in Matel, even though it’s been a few months.

Maybe it was luck, or a _miracle_ – maybe God had finally decided to give a damn about His so-called apostles, though Kanda wouldn't bet on that. Even if after _two_ lifetimes of service, it would only be fair.

Maybe Alma's transformation was just that much of a rush job and their regenerative powers interfered with the Dark Matter too much for it to destroy Alma's soul.

Or, quite possibly, the universe isn't done fucking them over just yet. 

"Why do you always have to be so negative, Yuu?" Alma had groaned when he’d voiced his theory, focused on their left knee as though staring at it would make it grow back faster.

However the Order had built the two of them, they hadn't been messing around when it came to durability. It had only taken a day for the both of them to be more or less whole again.

After a few excruciating hours, the Dark Matter had burned itself out, the weird parts had fallen off, and Alma had started growing a less disturbing body, to their collective relief. It’s not that Kanda couldn’t have dealt with all the extra teeth and elongated limbs, he doesn’t _care_ what Alma looks like, but moving around in that form would’ve been unpleasant, to say the least.

"What _now_?" Alma had asked, a little bewildered, and he’d shrugged, because he hadn’t seriously expected to survive, not once he _knew_.

The Order would come after them sooner or later – though probably later, given the complete clusterfuck the Noah had caused. He’d wondered what was going to happen to Allen.

"I'm starving," Alma had said eventually.

And so they’d gone looking for food, because what else was there to do?

 

Kanda hasn’t really been keeping track of how much time’s passed since then. They’ve made their way to France, where Kanda can vaguely understand the language –  those lessons the old man had shoved down his throat when he was a kid finally turning out to be good for something.  

It’s been – strange. He’s not used to having to deal with normal people by himself. It’s a task he usually left to the other Exorcists or the support team. Now there’s Alma, but Alma’s possibly even worse than he is at interacting with strangers despite their friendlier nature. They’re _too_ friendly, it makes them look suspicious– which is what Kanda’s been telling them all along.

They inspire distrust in the locals most of the time, but Kanda can still be intimidating enough to get them to keep their distance and not look too closely. He doesn’t quite have the same effect without Mugen at his side or the imposing Order uniform, but he manages.

They’d be less conspicuous in a big city, but more people also means more Order presence, and more potential Akuma. Which more of a concern than it used to be, since neither of them has Innocence anymore, and getting killed by common Akuma after everything would be an incredibly ridiculous way to go. It’s also the kind of thing that _would_ happen to them.

He doesn’t miss his Innocence, exactly, but he’s not used to going through life unarmed. Even a subpar sword has proven more difficult to acquire than he’d expected. He’s found a large knife, but it hardly compares.

It’s been disgraceful, having to _borrow_ food and clothing here and there, but they’ve both done worse in their lifetimes, and they don’t have much of a choice. As it turns out, they don’t have much going for them outside of the Order: no money, no possessions, few marketable skills.

He’d almost resigned himself to selling his hair – which is, really, the only valuable thing he has left, but Alma had vehemently protested, and so he’d set aside the idea for the moment.

They get hired for manual labour sometimes, when they’re lucky – sometimes Kanda has to be a little pushy about it, but they _are_ useful, so there’s no reason for the workers to complain. They may be embarrassingly weak by their own standards, these days, but they can still do that much. As long as Alma doesn’t have one of their fainting spells, anyway.

Though Alma’s worse off than he is, the exhaustion deep in his bones won’t go away either. They’ve become fragile, the two of them, and Kanda doesn’t think they’ll ever completely recover.

Maybe that’s fine, though.

 

Alma squirms and looks up at him again.

“What?” he asks.

“I really am sorry, you know” they say, almost too soft to hear “It’s my fault we’re like this. I was only thinking of myself, when I –“ They fumble awkwardly around the ‘tried to kill us both’ part, even though it’s hardly the first time they’ve discussed it. Or at least that Kanda’s complained at length about what an idiot Alma is. Eventually they soldier on:  

“I just couldn’t _bear_ it, the thought of you knowing, and moving on and – it seemed like a good idea at the time,” they trail off, blushing.

Kanda heaves a long-suffering sigh.

“You’re so dumb.”

Alma smiles a little, self-depreciating but hearing the reluctant fondness in his voice.

“I wasn’t really thinking straight.”

“I know. Quit apologising, it’s getting old.”

For all that the whole thing was an excruciating mess, he can’t bring himself to regret that it happened, not when it gave them _this_. Time with them – this Alma, or the other one – it’s all he’s ever wanted. He may not have always been _aware_ of that fact, but –

He’d rather not waste precious moments dwelling on how they got there.

Whatever time they have left, have managed to steal away, he knows it won’t be long, and they won't be going out of their way to stretch it out, either. They could've chosen to hole up somewhere and tried to be happy for a while, to get a few years out of their failing bodies. It’s a thought he entertained for a while – it was a nice thought – but hiding out wouldn’t be right, when they have amends to make.

Not to the Order, the Order can go fuck itself, but Allen – they owe him _everything_ , and they left him in one hell of a shitty situation, which Kanda is in no small part responsible for. Leaving was fine when they thought they were going to die, but since they’re not, they might as well make themselves useful.

It would have been an easier decision if it didn’t mean they’ll have to split up.

Kanda’s going back to the Order to figure out what’s been going on and how to help the Beansprout. Alma _hates_ the whole idea but has had to admit it’s the only way they’ll be of any use.

Kanda’s not thrilled by the thought of letting Alma out of his sight, either, but since nothing’s managed to keep them apart permanently so far, he doubts anything ever will. And there’s no _way_ Alma is going anywhere near an Order facility ever again. It won’t be for long, he tells himself. Only so he can retrieve Mugen – he’s going to ignore the fact that he might become a Fallen One the moment he touches it – and get a read on the situation.

Then he’ll get back to Alma, they’ll do what they can for Allen, and then maybe they can have some goddamn peace. In life or death, he doesn’t particularly care, so long as they’re together. It’s a simple enough plan, in theory.

The closer they get to the nearby Ark gate, though, the less he feels confident. Nothing ever goes according to plan.

He tightens his arms around Alma reflexively, and they make an inquiring noise.

“It’s nothing.”

“Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“ _Yuu”_

“Stop that.”

_“Tell me”_

“I’ll drop you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Kanda drops them.

Alma screeches indignantly, but it doesn’t have much of an effect otherwise. They know him well enough to have anticipated the move and have shifted to cling to his neck, limbs wrapping around him lightning-fast. He staggers a little under the sudden change and Alma bites his ear in retaliation.

“Ow! What the fuck, Alma?”

“You started it!”

Alma gets back on their feet, sufficiently recovered, and shoves at him playfully. It devolves into a scuffle and Alma laughs when they manage to trip him, hardly helpless despite everything.

They keep walking, and Kanda finds that the tightness in his chest has eased a little.

 

“Look, Yuu!”

Alma, when they’re not wallowing in self-disgust, takes in everything around them with enthusiastic curiosity. Kanda doesn’t let himself think about the fact that it’s the first time they’re _outside_ , in this lifetime, even though they remember more about the last one than he does. He’s angry enough as it is. 

It takes him a moment to realise that the pond Alma is pointing at is filled with real flowers, not the ones that only exist in his head. He doesn’t see the illusions so often anymore, and when he does they tend to cluster around Alma.

He wishes they’d quit doing that. He _gets_ it already.

“They’re water lilies,” he says. “It’s a different kind of plant. Lotuses don’t grow in Europe.”

“Because it’s too damn cold,” Alma huffs.

“Yeah.”

“I like them! Let’s stay here for a while.”

They don’t have a set schedule, and Kanda isn’t in any hurry to get to their destination in any case, so he follows them down by the water.

He sits in the shade, watching as they investigate the pond and its inhabitants. They turn to smile at him, and he’s struck by one of his visions. The image of the Alma that was then overlays the Alma that is now for a moment, and then fades away.

He doesn’t think he’ll see it again, and the realisation is bittersweet.

After a while Alma comes sit by him, pressed to his side to ward off the chilly wind that’s picked up. Their hands are delicately cupped around the delicate yellow petals of a flower that’s washed ashore and they set about smoothing them out.

Kanda closes his eyes.

“I wish you didn’t have to go back,” they say, and Kanda wishes he knew how to soothe the bitterness in their voice.

“Alma…”

“I _know_ – I just wish we could stay here, like this. But we can’t be selfish anymore, right? After all the pain we’ve caused.”

Kanda hums in agreement.

“Still, I’m glad we found this place before you go – it’s almost like we kept our promise, after all.”

It’s not the right place, or the right flowers. They’re not even the right people.

They won’t get to grow old together this time around, either.

But this is _real_ , and he’s had enough of illusions.

“…Yeah.”

He presses a kiss to the top of their head, and Alma lets the wind blow away the petals.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm taking prompts, by the way, since there are so few fics for these two!


End file.
